For as long as I can remember, watching The Oscars was a part of my life. As a kid, we would make appetizers, and snack as we watched the best and brightest of Hollywood take home the biggest award the industry has to offer, struggling to stay awake until best picture. As I grew up, I created my own traditions, which have evolved into watching the awards with friends in sweatpants. Classy, maybe not, but definitely fun.
So tonight, is much like every Oscar night in recent years. We have snacks, we have rye, and I’m surrounded by hilarious people. So here’s a live recap of what happened last night, and what we had to say about it.
WARNING: This commentary includes profanity, off side comments, and a lot of flatulence. Recommended reading age is over 18, but with the maturity level of a 12 year old. You have been warned.
And we’re off! Ellen comes out in a classy 3 piece suit, beginining with a joke about the rain in L.A. and how disasterous it was. But as someone living under a constant blanket of snow and ice, I am not amused. She continues by pointing out how much as changed since the last time she hosted (2007), because back then Cate Blanchette, Meryl Streep, and Leonardo DiCaprio were all nominated… the same people as tonight.
Next comes the obligitory “make fun of the nominees jokes”, including making fun of June Squibbs age, and calling the kid from Captain Philips a somalier since he’s Somalian.
Rach: Poor dude from Captain Philips is watching all of those jokes soar right over his head.
Hilary: Lupita is GORGEOUS.
Then Ellen calls Liza a drag queen..
Kellen: Oh Liza didn’t like that one.
Rach: Whatever. This monologue is way too safe.
Meryl is up for her 18th nomination tonight, but if you add up all of the money she’s spent on gowns and what not for each award show, she probably can’t afford to be nominated again.
Jennifer Lawrence is being made fun of for falling last year, and Ellen talks about how embarrassing it was and doesn’t let it go. She says if she wins, they should bring her the Oscar so she doesn’t fall again.
On the outcome of the Best Picture race: “Possibilty #1 12 Years a Slave wins best picture, Possibilty #2, y’all are racist”
First presenter, Anne Hathaway, takes the stage.
Rach: I fuckin’ hate Anne Hathaway. Her “It came true” last year makes me barf.
Hilary: Hey, she’s got the same hair as you Rob!
Kellen: It’s more like an AJ.
Kellen got nutted by his dog, which distracted us from the horrible Anne Hathaway. High five, Sasha.
Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto
Rach: And everyone in the world just got a point in their Oscar pool.
Hilary: Yeaah! The prettiest one won! He’s got my haircut!
He makes an adorable speech about his mom, thanking her for teaching him to dream. Really don’t understand how he’s not getting played off though. But I guess you can’t really play off a guy talking about those who have died from AIDS…
Hilary: At least he had a good speech. It was long, but it was a good one!
Ellen takes a selfie of herself looking at the crowd.
Kellen: I wonder if she actually tweeted that.
Jim Carey takes the stage to present and makes a weird Bruce Dern impression
Hilary: I’ve never really found Jim Carrey attracive… maybe it’s because I’ve seen him talk out of his butt.
Kellen: Ellen did not tweet that by the way.
Rach: The only person in the crowd who found that Bruce Dern imrpression was Laura Dern.
The mildly unannounced theme of this evening is a celebration of heroes, so here’s the first montage celebrating “Animated Heroes”
Hilary and Kellen are having a Yoshi/Stitch voice off; they’re both pretty impressive. All I’ve got in my arsenal is Donald Duck.
Hilary: you’re creepy
Kellen (as Stitch): Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind.
Ellen: Anyone think that was a little light on Finding Nemo?
SUPER pregnant Kerry Washington presents Pharell. Wonder if he’s still wearing shorts?
NOPE! THE HAT IS BACK!
Hilary: It’s an Arby’s hat.
Rob: Is he sponsored by Arby’s?
Rach: The little kid dancer is the cutest guy I have ever seen.
Merlyn Streep is dancing in her seat; and Amy Adams.
I totally thought one of the dancers was Carton from Fresh Prince. I was quickly called racist. Overall it was a great performance of a really infectious song. I love Minions.
Back from commercial, Ellen, making reference to Wolf of Wall Street, tells Jonah that she doesn’t want to see it.
Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson take the stage to present.
Hilary: I love Naomi Watts, she’s pretty and Australian.
I never said this commentary was going to be original, did I?
Hilary: Does he look like a bitch?
Kellen: I’ve had enough of these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane!
Best Costume Design: The Great Gatsby
The winner, Catherine Martin, pulls a list out of her bra, saying it’s an Australian thing to do. I know many women who would call it a lady thing to do.
The next award is for best makeup, and I still cannot believe Bad Grandpa is nominated.
Best Makeup: Dallas Buyers Club. Adruitha Lee, Mathews
Awkward speech about AIDS
Hilary: JENNIFER GARNER AAAAH
Harrison Ford takes the stage, and he can still be my Han Solo any day of the week.
Hilary: I can never take Harrison ford seriously. Look at his face.
Apparently Harrison was just introducing the first 3 best picture nominees.
Hilary: Channing Tatum isn’t wearing his assless chaps tonight!
Tatum introduces winners for some short film contest or something.
Hilary: He looks nervous he rushed through that.
Kellen: Yeah he did.
Rob: But wouldn’t you be? He cant read!
Ellen thinks everyone should win something tonight, so she gives Bardley Cooper scratch lottery tickets.
Kim Novak and Matthew Maconahy take the stage. I can’t think Kim Novac without thinking of Trouble wth Angels. That movie was the best. Her face looks a little botched, though.
Rob: She almost looks like a maaan
Best Animated Short: Mr Hublot
Cute nervous speech from a French dude, I really don’t care since Get a Horse didn’t win.
Best Animated Feature: A Frozen chant has broken out here…
And it’s FROZEN!!
Hilary: I always forget how cute the fucking children are in this movie.
Cute, consice, combined speech, rather than that awkward thing where one person hogs the microphone the whole time, leaving the other one to get played off while they’re thanking their children
Sally Field comes on to present.
Kellen: Am I in your blog? Is it my boob reactions?
Hilary: You’ve been really good! No boobs!
Kellen: Well their doing all of the animated stuff and behind the scenes. None of the hot people.
Rob: Sometimes animated people have hot boobs!!
Kellen has just realized that Sally Fields is Mrs. Mrs. Doubtfire.
Montage of real life heroes portrayed in films.
I think everybody watching quoted Braveheart along with Mel Gibson
Hilary: Even though I’m scottish, I’ve never had the urge to wear a kilt and paint my face blue…
Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon Levitt to present. Love them long time.
All of the boys agree she has grown up well.
Ramsey: Hermione is giving me a boner
Best Visual Effects: Gravity
Hilary: YOUR MOVIE WAS BORING!
As a bunch of nerds, we all wanted anything else to win.
Zac Efron is now up to present. Why is he at the Oscars though? Really. Was 17 Again nominated for something I’m unaware of?
Hilary: Ugh he’s someone who grew up really well too. He gives me a boner.
He kind of fucked up reading the prompter.
Upon announcing “Karen Oh”, a chorus of Office Space O-Face “oh”s filled the room.
Cute performace but kind of underwhelming. I was also not paying attention as I just want Idina to perform.
During this commercial break, it has been revealed that Hilary has Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I’m overwhelmed with joy.
Kate Hudson and Jason Sudekis. She looks great, but her mom looks like she was hit by a truck,
Hilary: She does look great. She looks like she ate a sandwich.
Best Live Action Short: Helium
Hilary:And the Oscar goes to… Kate Hudson’s boobs!
Didn’t really listen to the speech as we were playing “Name that accent”. They seemed sweet, though.
Best Documentary Short: The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved my Life
Rach: Wouldn’t you be bummed if you won an Oscar and the celebrity presenting was a b-lister?
Rob: Yeah, but who are these people winning? They’re nobody
Ellen made a really awkard joke about ordering pizza, and didn’t even show perpetually hungry Jennifer Lawrene. Rude.
Hilary: There’s something about men in well tailored suits that just *melts*
Kellen: One day I’ll have sex in a well tailored suit
Hilary: In it?
Kellen: Hell yea.
It’s time for Best Documentary…
Kellen: the one with the black people will win
and it does
Best Documentary: 20 Feet from Stardom
Rach: Why is this woman singing? I am so confused. I should probably have seen this movie.
Rob: Play her off!
Kevin Spacey discusses Angela Lansvery, Steve Martin, and Pierro something Italian, and their honorary oscars. Angie won a humanitarian award.
Kellen: Why? Because she adopted them all?
Montage about the Governor’s Ball
Kellen: WOW, [angela lansbury] looks good!
Hilary and I are both SHOCKED when they show who we’re assuming is Maddox (the original Jolie-kid)
Hilary: I wonder if his voice has dropped
We clearly are paying attention to the important parts of this everning.
Viola Davis and Ewan MacGregor are on to present.
Hilary: He kind of looks like a bum. What did you do to yourself, Ewan?
Kellen: I was just about to say I want my hair to get to that…
Best Forein Language Film: The Great Beauty (Italy)
In other news, Rob either ate too much, or is pregnant
Hilary: You suck, Tyler
Another montage of best picture nominees
Brad Pitt takes the stage with a questionable haircut to introduce U2
Rob: Now, thanks to South Park, no matter how much good he does, we know why Bono seems like a giant Turd,
Kellen: He is a giant turd
Hilary: I think everyone thinks he’s a giant turd because he’s Irish and all the irish are giant turds.
I should note Hilary has Irish citizenship and Kellen is Irish.
Hilary: Why does he always wear coloured lenses. They’re always that and i don’t get it.
Rob: It’s his giant turdiness. It covers that he’s full of shit.
Rach: I wonder if they’re transition lenses which is why they’re at a douchy level of opaque at all times
Ellen is spending so much time not on stage, it’s weird. She taakes a selfie with Liza, and points out the Meryl holds the record for moost nominatios ever. Tonight, she would like to break another record for most retweets ever. To accomplish this, she takes a selfie with a HUGE crowd of alisters included Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Channing Tattum, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt, Jared Leto, Kevin Spacey and Lupita Luongo..
I think they may have broken twitter.
Rach: KRISTIN BELL!! I love her so hard.
Montage of the technical awards which K. Bell and Michael B. Jordan hosted.
Rach: Seriously can’t wait for Veronica Mars.
Chris Hemsworth and Charlize theron are next up
Kellen: I would do dirty things to Charlize theron
Hilary: I would do dirty things to both of them
Kellen: I could watch them have sex.
We’re classy folks over here…
Achievement in Sound Mixing: Gravity
We are very busy looking for that photo on twitter right now, but it literally broke twitter.
Sound Editing: Gravity
Rach: Christophe Waltz! I love this guy. He’s so damn charming.
The camera is looking for the wrong person in the crowd right now as the Best Supporting Actress nomineess are anounced and it’s really awkward.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyongo
Rach: Part of me really wanted J Law to win, but Lupita probably deserves it more. She’s so excited and so adorable, and everyone looks really happy for her which is so nice.
Hilary: OMG she’s so skinny, you can see her ribs!
Rob: Yeah but look at her arms. they’re big!
Excellent speech, acknowledging that her happiness and good fortune comes from stories of other peoples’ pain. Emotional, well spoken, top knotch.
Ellen actually got pizza. This is so weird. Is this actually a real pizza delivery guy? or is it her intern? Now she’s looking for Harvey Weinstine for a tip. So awkward.
Now it’s time for the boring speech about the past year in movies or something. I don’t really know, but we’re making tea and perogies and Hilary is making inappropriate hand movements and noises.
Oh but there’s a new movie museum opening in 2017. Exciting
Amy Adams and BFM!
As they annoounce the nominations for best cinemetography, Bill Murray slips in an honorary nomination for his late friend, Harold Raimus.
And then he says it’s 2013. Good call.
Best Cinematography: Gravity
Rach: Bill Murray should be hosting this show. He’d be great.
ANNA KENDRICK! And Gabourey Sidibe
Rob: One of those girls is really hot
Ramsey: Which one? There are 3 of them?
Everything else that was said was cruel and innapropriate, and while hilarious, probably shouldn’t be shared. But Anna Kendrick looks great.
Best Film Editing: Gravity
Whoopie Goldberg is up! She hosted 4 times? Wow. Love her.
She gives an intro to the Wizard of Oz tribute, wearing stripey tights and ruby red slippers. Amazing.
Hilary: the best part about Whoopie Golberg is that she was in Star Trek
Judy Garland’s kids stand up and bow on behalf of their mother.
Ramsey: Emma Watson looks bored.
Pink comes on to sing over the rainbow.
As someone who loved the Wizard of Oz as a kid, I am so on board with this. Why Pink is singing, not sure, but I’m not complaining.
Text from my dad: “Wow 75 years, I guess that means Toto is dead too.”
We all agree that Pink has a wonderful and pwerful voice, Standing ovation well deserved. Way more deserved than U2.
Ellen comes out on stage in Glinda’s dress. Her best moment so far.
It was just brought to my attention that Rob Ford is at the Oscars right now as Jimmy Kimmel’s date. I hate him even more, now.
Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch come on to present.
Hilary: I love this pair!
Hilary and I became friends over acombined love of Alias and Jennifer Garner (specificallly season 2 episode 14. Yeah, we’re those people), sso we’re both thrilled right now.
Hilary: If Gravity wins one more award, I might shit myself.
Rob: please don’t…
Best Production Design: The Great Gatsby
Chris Evans! Another hero segment: I’m assuming super heroes? Yup. Superheroes.
We’re all pretty happy they showed new spiderman instead of old spiderman. Old Spiderman blows.
Rach: Glenn Close is a classy, classy broad. Even if she did give me nightmares as a child.
In Memorium time. Someone grab me some kleenex, pplease.
Our group has never been so quiet, until I got inappropriately excited for Bette Midler. I was also just informed that my father wishes to have Bette Midler perform at his funeral. And since him and my mom introduced me to the great lady, Bette, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. I love this woman, even if her performance isn’t exactly top knotch.
My father and I also both almost cried when we found out the baroness from Sound of Music died. In case you haven’t realized, my dad and I are a lot alike.
Ellen has confirmed that they crashed twitter. Excellent. Excuse me while we all high five for helping break the highest retweet world record…
Goldie Hawn, who looks a little rough, introduces the final nominees for best picture. She kind of looks like she has become her character from first wives club.
John Travolta (odd choice), just MISINTRODUCED IDINA MENZEL!! I have been waiting all night for this, and he calls her “Adele Nazim””. WHAT THE SHIT JOAN!?
I have goosebumps, she is so nervous I might cry.
Not her best performance (this is coming from someone who has seen her live 7 times), but still damn good. And thank you to the director of the Oscars for not cutting to Kristin Chenoweth during ANY of that. You’re good people.
Thank god Ellen came out and actually introduced Idina’s real name. Twice.
Jessica Beil and Jamie Fox come up to present.
Rob: I’m still pissed that she’s more successful than Jessica Alba
The only guy who feels this way.
Jamie Fox gives a Chariots of Fire accompnament aand runs in place, while Jessica Beil introdecuses best original score
Best Original Score: Gravity
Hilary: OH I shit myself. It’s happening! It’s happening!
Best Original Song is next, and I have all of my extremities crossed for Let it Go
Best Original Song: LET IT GO!!!
This means that Robert Lopez has got an EGOT! (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony).. Him and his wife, Kristen, give a really cute rhyming speech. I fucking loved this movie.
Commercial break revalation: Hilary calls sheets “bed clothing”. Weirdo. Also, our attention is starting to weaken a wee bit.
Ellen is using Pharell’s hat to collect money for the pizza, which I kind of hope she kept. The money and the hat.
Penelope Cruz and Robert De Niro take the stage. DeNiro discusses the neuroceses and downsides of being a writer. He totally gets me.
Best Adapted Screenplay: 12 Years a Slave
Best Screenplay: Her
For some reason I’m always surprised that Spike Jonze is white. Maybe I keep expecting him to be Spike Lee?
Rach: Seriously, Why is Ellen NEVER ON THE STAGE?
Angelina Jolie and Sydney Potier take the stage, and the legend gets a standing ovation. Angelina tallks about how groundbreaking Potier was, and he tells all of the film makers to keep up the good work.
They introduce the nominees for best director
Best Director: Alfonzo Cuaron for Gravity
Hilary has shit herself again, and her farting noises scared the dog away.
Hilary: That movie was SO BORING!! Where’s Ari?
The only thing I like about Gravity winning, is I feel like more nice things should be said about Sandra Bullock beccause she’s the best.
Rob farted and it is foul. I can taste it.
Hilary: I don’t know what grows in your anus, but it’s heinous.
Rob: I was gonna blame Ari, but he wasn”t here.
AJ came home during the commerrcial break in time to see the big awards.
AJ: This is still on??
Daniel Day Lewis comes on to introduce Best Actress and keeps it short and simple. Remember when they had 5 other actresses come on stage to say nice things about each nominee?? That was so time consuming.
Best Actress: Cate Blanchette!
Hilary: That’s a realy pretty dress, it’s very Venus
Cate: As random, and as subjective as this award is, it means a great deal
And she continues on by complimenting and thanking every actress nominated (except for Julia Roberts to whom she said “hashtag: suckit”) When she thanks Woody Allen however, the applause is a little weak though. Understandably so.
Being the hero that she is, Cate also points out that female lead movies are not a niche market, and they do indeed make money. I love this woman.
I absolutely love that they won’t play her off because she is Cate fucking Blanchette.
Jennifer Lawrence comes on stage to announce best actor, and makes it to the mic without falling over!! She’s talking to someoone off camera who’s laughing, but I’m not sure who or why…?
Rob: uh oh
Hilary: Did you fart again?
Hilary: OH ROBERT! EWWW
AJ: Leo’s gonna win. They’re not gonna ggive it to a random black dude for his first movie.
Ramsey: He’s been in more movies
AJ: His first GOOD movie
Hilary and I: HE WAS IN SERENITY
Hilary: That shit is tattooed on my foot!
Rach: Me too, bitch!
Best Actor: Matthew Maconaughey
First thing he did was hug Leo, which I guess makes him ok.
He did not say “alright alright alright”” and I’m no longer interested.
He thanked God, and someone should probably tell him this is not the Grammys.
He says his wife and kids are the ones he want to make proud which is really damn cute.
I’m a little confused as to why he’s giving a speech to himself in 10 years who’s his hero. But he did finally say “alright alright alright” so I am much more ok with this win.
Rob is still farting. Too many sausage rolls.
Rach: Will Smith is presenting best picture?
Hilary: He’s come far since Fressh Prince
AJ: Will Smith is a great actor!
Hilary: Just because you look like the white version of him…
Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave
Hilary: Congratulations for making the most fucking depressing movie I have ever fucking seen. I had really bad white guilt, and I didn’t even live in that time!
AJ: the whole point of this movie was to make all caucasions feel really really bad
Our whole conversation has devolved into possible plot points for iRobot 2, and how rich Brad Pitt is. Our attention span is GONE.
And that was the 2014 Oscars as told by 4 people eating sausage rolls, drinking rye, with terrible ADD. Hope you enjoyed it, we definitely did.